Fundamentally, crucial conversations are discussions that must take place between two people who have a disagreement.

Rather than letting one another’s blood boil beneath the surface or having a knocked-down, dragged-out argument, the right kind of conversation can clear the air and restore the relationship through mutual understanding. forgiveness, and reconciliation.

Notwithstanding the importance of harmonious relationships in the workplace, it’s essential that they exist before any kind of assertive statements are made. In other words, nothing you say that’s intended to correct a particular behaviour or improve a process will be heard until the person to whom it is directed is ready to hear it; and animosity is just the sort of thing that can get in the way of that happening.

Before relationships can be restored, however, there is something else that must occur. To understand what this is, we have to step back into the 20^th century.

In 1954, the psychologist Abraham Maslow published a book in which he described his now famous Hierarchy of Needs. There are five levels depicted as a pyramid. Beginning at the bottom they are physiological, safety, love / belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. There have been thousands of articles and blog posts written about this hierarchy: some to praise; some to criticize.

One of the most surprising themes among those who have sought to discredit his research is the failure to understand what Maslow actually said.

In his book, he makes the point that actions to fulfill any and all of these needs are in operation simultaneously. For example, people want to feel safe and loved, to feel good about themselves, and to do work that they find fulfilling even while they are trying to feed themselves and their families.

This is important because, when you think about it, you’ll realize that if you want to be reconciled with someone, then you have to make sure that you’re not doing anything that appears to the other person to be a direct or indirect attempt to interfere with their attempts to meet those needs. To look at it another way, you cannot be seen to be doing or implying that you will do anything that threatens them.

Examples of threats

At this point, it’s worth considering some examples of threats in the workplace that could interfere with a person’s perceived ability to meet his or her needs.

Physiological

The first one is physiological. This includes everything to do with one’s physical body.

Let’s think about opportunities to eat, drink, use the loo, or even getting a good night’s sleep. These things all sound very basic; even common. We assume that everyone has the freedom to take care of these things to a greater or lesser extent. If you really believe that, then talk to a few teachers. People in this profession sometimes go all day without eating, such are the demands that are placed upon them. They work inordinately long hours and take work home, often marking papers into the small hours of the next day. And the Government wonders why there’s a shortage of them?

If you experience a turnover of staff that’s higher than you would like, these needs would be a good place to start your investigation.

Safety / security

What about safety or security? Most of us live in a relatively safe society. What could threaten our sense of safety or security? Concerns about redundancy or worries over disciplinary matters would do the trick. If we lost our jobs, for any reason, how would we be able to meet the physical needs of ourselves and our families?

And what part are you playing in causing these fears in your organization?

Love / belonging

Love and / or belonging is the third one – and remember, all of these are occurring at the same time and interacting with each other to a greater or lesser extent. Informal groups and cliques can form, especially in the absence of strong leadership. (Leaders have people who follow them willingly.) If people are following a peer, for example, then whatever you’re doing, it’s not leading.

Everyone needs to know that they belong to someone or something. It may be a little or a lot, depending on the type of personality, but the need exists. We know that this is true in part because of the damage that solitary confinement can have on people. People need people, and the need to not only know that they belong, but they also need to feel it in their hearts. It’s one reason why job losses and divorces take such a devastating toll on people. They lose their sense of love and belonging.

And employees who struggle to make friends or who are ostracized by their peers will be less productive than those who are made to feel that they are an essential part of the organization.

What are you doing every day to make your staff feel that they are an essential part of your organization?

Self-esteem

You don’t have to be narcissistic to feel good about yourself. We all need it in some degree to survive. The problems really begin when we stop having respect for ourselves. It can be bad enough when others put us down, but as long as we don’t believe it, there’s still hope.

We often are reminded that “no news is good news”; but the fact is that people need to be commended by you for doing good work, and even for doing their jobs. That’s because in many cases you are the only gauge they have for knowing if their work is up to the standard or not, especially in their earlier years.

What are you doing to help your employees feel good about themselves?

Self-actualization

Self-actualization has always been difficult to describe or define. It’s a state whereby someone feels fulfilled to the extent that they do what they do for the pleasure of doing it.

You can find this among those who volunteer, for example. No one is forcing them to do what they do. They do it because the work gives them meaning that can’t be obtained in any other way. That meaning is often bound up in the fact that they are helping those who can’t help themselves.

Some organizations give their employees a certain number of days off each year for the sole purpose of serving their community or favourite charity in some way.

What have you done this past year to enable your employees to reach the top of their game, to enjoy what they do above all else, and to help others?

Prerequisite to crucial conversations

As you can see, the Number One prerequisite to crucial conversations is to remove any and all threats to healthy relationships. That’s because they have to exist in order for effective communication to take place. In fact, discussion is the grease that lubricates the wheels of the relationship. The two are impossible to separate.

You can encourage people to “retrace their Path to Action” all day long for example, as is suggested in the crucial conversations model; but if your attitude is perceived by those to whom you’re speaking as a threat to any of the levels in their hierarchy, the conversation won’t happen.

That’s because doing so implies that the fault lies with them, and the truth is that It doesn’t matter if it does or not. What matters is what they think you think.

When you ask someone to consider his or her own behaviour, you’re as likely as not to get push-back. That’s because that person will not perceive his or her own actions or attitudes to be the problem. As far as he / she is concerned you are the problem, and when that’s the perception, then you really do have a problem.

So step back before you do anything. Reflect on where the potential threats are and then do all you can to remove them before you attempt to do anything else.

If you have a need to improve interpersonal communication or assertiveness in your team, then contact us here