There’s something odd about human beings.

They have a propensity to criticise others publicly, but seem shy, if not terrified, of praising anyone where they might be overheard.

Psychologists will tell you that it should be the other way around.

Why is it so hard to express appreciation when someone we supervise does a good job?

One reason is the pervasive attitude that good work is what you’re being paid to do.

Another is that we’re all too busy to “make nice”; as if that somehow gives us carte blanche to be nasty.

And many people still believe that “no news, is good news”; and so if you never hear anything, then you must be doing okay.

The famous, or infamous, British stiff upper-lip doesn’t help matters either.

The unwritten rule that one should never show emotion is utter nonsense.

 

No formulae

That said, instead of ignoring good work or even disparaging the idea of recognising it, we need to find ways to acknowledge it and to do so appropriately.

Before we get into that, it’s necessary to point out that there are no formulae for doing so.

Every situation will be different, if only because the people concerned are.

Every organisation will vary from another in the same industry.

And even the same organisation changes minute by minute.

The key to knowing what is appropriate lies in how well you know the people you supervise.

The stronger the relationship you have with them, the more easily it will be for you to say, “Well Done!” In a way that is meaningful to them.

And that’s what matters most: What is meaningful to them.

 

You see, it’s entirely possible to do something which to you seems generous, but to them feels parsimonious.

The difference lies in what they feel you could have done; not in what you did.

That’s an important distinction.

Take some time to think about it.

 

Most people aren’t ungrateful, but the wrong expression of appreciation towards them, or one that seems insincere can feel like a platitude.

So, with that, let’s think about some actual examples of appreciation and how they are perceived.

Remember: The arbiter is the person who receives such expressions; not the person who gives it.

 

Just say “thank you”

Remarkably, saying “thank you” seems to be almost as difficult as saying “I’m sorry”.

And that’s a problem.

All too often, when people apologise, they also try to save face.

They almost apologise for apologising. And we both know that that just doesn’t work.

In fact, it makes matters worse.

Thing is that many people do the same thing when they thank someone.

They’ll mumble, “Thanks” in a half-hearted, distracted tone, without ever looking at the person they’re supposed to be thanking.

 

Think about this:

When was the last time you deliberately tracked someone down, looked them straight in the eye and said, “I just wanted to thank you for . . .”?

That’s what genuine appreciation looks like and sounds like.

And when it happens like that, the person who is thanked has no doubt that you mean what you say.

You could also give them a nice card that has a handwritten note in it.

People appreciate the fact that you took time to do that.

Whatever you do, however, avoid email.

Email is easy, and therefore practically meaningless, which means that it has the greatest potential to be perceived as insincere.

The time that it takes to write a good email would be better spent writing a card or speaking to the individual personally.

And don’t use a post-it note.

You want your message to have value to the person who gets it.

Don’t cheapen it by an act of careless efficiency.

 

Public gratitude

Thanking people in public is necessary, but tricky.

Not everyone wants it preceded by a fanfare by the Band of the Queen’s Division or to have it announced on the front page of the Independent.

You need to make sure that the magnitude of your appreciation is appropriate to the occasion.

For example, a birthday, promotion, or a million-pound sale are not on the same playing field.

These are extreme examples.

Life is rarely so simple.

And context matters, too.

A million-pound sale can be a lot or a little depending on what is normal.

 

Tokens

One form of gratitude is what could be called tokens.

Things like a button or a coin would fall into this category.

Unless they are one-of-a-kind, given by someone who is world-famous, such things have no intrinsic value.

The value is found in the fact that when you and others look see it, all of you will be reminded that you were recognised by someone important in your organisation.

For example, suppose you work in the Civil Service on a military installation.

If the Wing Commander were to give you a brass coin that exemplied excellent work, then that might fill you with pride in your work whenever you looked at it.

 

Some people appreciate such tokens.

Others see them as a waste of cast metal.

This is why it’s so important that you know your people.

Those who see a coin as a hunk of metal will also feel insulted that their hard work isn’t worth more.

In such cases, a warm thank you might be more appropriate.

 

Other tangible gifts

In his book, Predictably Irrational, Dan Ariely, professor of consumer behaviour, describes the effect that assigning monetary value to a tangible gift can have.

His research has shown that it significantly diminishes the emotional value associated with it.

 

Suppose someone took you out for dinner.

They made it clear at the beginning that this was their treat, and that they would pay for it.

No doubt, you would appreciate their generosity.

But what would happen if at the end of the evening that person said to you, “That dinner cost me £50”?

How would that make you feel?

It would change everything, wouldn’t it?

Even though the prices were on the menu, and you had a rough idea of what that person had spent on you, you would still feel embarrassed if your “friend” made it sound like it was an economic burden.

And that’s what Ariely is talking about.

 

What might that look like in terms of expressing gratitude for a job well done?

Suppose you decide to give an employee a voucher for dinner for two at a nice restaurant.

 

How would you do it?

Many vouchers say something like, “Valid for dinner up to the value of £50”.

According to Ariely, when you do this, you’re making a social event into an economic one; a no-no.

Now people won’t see the gift as a dinner for two.

Instead, they’ll see it as £50.

A much better approach would be to give them a specially printed certificate that says something like “In gratitude for your dedication and hard work at XYZ, we’re giving you and your (and then specify the relationship, because you know this person, right?) dinner for two at the ABC restaurant. Have a lovely evening.”

 

What’s the difference?

The emphasis is on the event.

There’s no mention of the cost.

When you do this, make sure that the restaurant doesn’t embarrass them by giving them a different menu which is “for vouchers” or that they don’t make them sign anything.

Prearrange with the restaurant for the bill to be sent directly to you.

If you have to pre-pay some or all of it, then do so.

The honoured guests will see the prices on the menu, but not the final bill.

That small distinction will make the evening memorable for the right reasons.

 

Avoid wine

Wine is fine to drink, but it’s a cop-out as a gift.

Unless it comes from your private vineyard or some special stock that few people have access to, it’s meaningless.

Anyone can buy a £40 bottle of wine from Tesco.

Make sure that it’s not you.

 

Gift cards

Gift cards to coffee shops, Amazon, or some other store can be a nice gesture.

Even though there’s an obvious monetary value on it, it forces people to treat themselves.

In any case, everyone knows that gift cards come like this, though there are some where you can put any amount on them that you wish to.

Some people who receive cash, for example, either pay bills or save what they get.

That may be a prudent decision on their part, but most people don’t want to remember that they spent their bonus on bills.

Instead, they want to remember the lovely evening they had, or the weekend away.

Something like that.

 

If you want your staff to do or get something memorable, then this can be a way to do it.

 

Do not give people unscratched lottery tickets, as some have suggested.

For one thing, it encourages gambling, no matter how much fun you think it is.

For another, the odds of them getting nothing are much higher than they are of winning.

So what was supposed to be a celebration could turn into a damp squib.

Perception is everything.

You could even be suspected of deliberately giving them non-winning tickets.

The monetary cost of the tickets in this case is immaterial.

That’s because it can easily be seen as an impulse buy by you; as an afterthought, if you prefer.

All gifts need to be personal and feel personal.

Tickets to a play, event, movie, or concert - if you knew that that’s what that person really wanted - would be much more appropriate.

Make sure, however, that you know what people would enjoy doing, and that includes their significant other.

 

There’s no sense in spending £200 on tickets to hear Verdi at Covent Garden on someone who’d prefer to see Led Zeppelin at Wembley.

At the risk of seeming sexist, men can be particularly difficult to reward.

One thing that they might appreciate is a voucher to have their car valeted.

Not many people like to wash, never mind vacuum, their cars.

And with the weather that the UK has to dish out, the entire exercise can seem futile for many months out of the year.

So to have someone else clean it inside and out would be a nice gesture,

You could even arrange to have someone spray the interior with “new car smell” which is available as an aerosol.

 

A voucher to have someone’s house cleaned, however, probably won’t be received very well.

As anyone who has ever had a cleaner knows, you spend a lot of time tidying yourself before you let someone else in, even if you’re paying to have it cleaned.

 

Upping the ante

Some things are worth more than dinner for two.

And probably more so than you realise.

Remember that you get the behaviour you reinforce.

If you like what people are doing, then you need to remind them periodically that you appreciate it.

Annually is not nearly often enough.

 

How often do you tell your adult children that you’re proud of them, or your close friends how much you appreciate their wisdom or companionship?

If you only did it once a year, they’d probably have their doubts for the other 51 weeks and six days.

 

One way to show appreciation is to give people a three-day weekend or an extra shift that precedes or follows their normal time off.

The point is that you want to enable that person to experience an extended break that is paid for by the company.

Some organisations expect people to use their holiday time for running errands.

They’ll really appreciate an extra day off, even if they don’t go anywhere.

And you’ll benefit from the fact that they’ll come back fresher than they normally would.

 

Monetary rewards

There’s one more category of rewards to talk about, and those are monetary rewards.

Some managers think that you can throw money at everything and everyone.

Usually, the sums involved are too small to matter very much.

The thing is that if you are going to give out monetary rewards, then you must give them to everyone.

Even though we discussed this in a previous article, the context here makes it worth repeating.

The reason you have to give money to everyone is because those you omit will feel snubbed.

The truth is that everyone feels that they deserve to be rewarded in this way.

Few people will recognise that their contribution to the organisation is only average.

Instead, they’ll reason that their job had to be done, and they are the ones who did it, and therefore they should share in the rewards.

So it you’re planning to give bonuses, then give everyone a bonus

And do it equitably.

Equitably, by the way, doesn’t mean that everyone gets two percent of their annual salary.

 

Why?

Because, for example, two percent of £100K is £2,000, and two percent of £30K is £600.

And 600 isn’t equal to 2000.

You learn that in Year four.

So instead, set aside of pot of money, and then give everyone the same amount.

That many sound inequitable to you.

It isn’t.

That’s because the recipient decides what’s fair; not the giver.

 

Conclusion

First and foremost, you must build strong relationships with the people in your charge.

You do that by taking a genuine interest in them.

That doesn’t mean that you pry into their affairs.

Instead, it means that you make it clear to them that you have their best interests at heart.

When people are convinced of that, then they’ll do their best for you.

Show them how much you appreciate their efforts.

Make it personal.

You’ll both reap untold benefits.

 

 

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