It’s likely that you’ve heard of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Or to put it into modern language, “treat people the way that you wish to be treated”.

This rule still holds; however, there is another question that can arise, and that is “how would others like to be treated?”

This is not a semantical exercise. We’re not simply playing with words or word order. It’s a legitimate question and, in this article, we’re going to consider it.

The problem with treating others in the way that you want to be treated is that there will be people who don’t want to be treated that way. In other words, the way you want to be treated and the way that they do is different.

For example, you may be a morning person. You like to arrive at seven in the morning, work for a couple of hours before everyone else arrives, and then “let your hair down” so-to-speak and hobnob with people for a half hour or so from 9-9.30. It’s what you like to do.

Has it ever occurred to you that there may be people who arrive at nine and feel that they lose thirty minutes of their most productive time every day because you want to chat?

It happens. The great majority of people don’t like to work early in the morning. In fact, it’s all they can do to get to work on time. Once they are there, however, they want to work. They’d rather chat with you in the afternoon when they’re too tired to do anything else.

Now let’s turn this around.

Suppose your boss likes to come in at five a.m. He / she works until seven, and then just as you as come in the door for your two-hour stint ahead of the “flock”, he / she routinely drops in for a chin-wag and a doughnut for half an hour. Wouldn’t you be just a wee bit cheesed off?

Instead of having two hours of uninterrupted time to get your work done, it would be cut to ninety minutes. And it wouldn’t be as productive because a) you’d still be that little bit annoyed, b) you’d now have that conversation on your mind, instead of being fresh, and c) your fingers would be sticky.

How do you reconcile these two apparently contradictory statements? How do you treat others the way you would like to be treated and simultaneously treat people the way they want to be treated?

The answer is that you have to drop your assumptions about what those statements mean.

This calls for some explanation.

What comes to your mind when you imagine what it means to treat others the way that you like to be treated? Probably things like fairness, respect, integrity, and responsibility. And the thing is that people also want to experience them from you. So, in these, both statements are true. You both want the same things.

The problem lies in deciding what those things look like in practice.

Respect                                                                                                              

In our example, where your boss came into your office to chat just as you were arriving, from his / her perspective, you were being shown respect. You could have been summoned, instead, to your boss’s office. You would have been “invited” rather than commanded; but you still would have gone. The difference is that you wouldn’t have been on your own turf; and that means that you probably wouldn’t have felt that you were being respected quite as much as you would if you met in your own office. But here’s the thing: You would feel that even though you were meeting on your turf, your time is being disrespected; that your boss was insensitive to the reason why you came to work two hours early.

The exact same thing is true for your employees. What looks like respect to you may not look like respect to them.

Fairness

How about fairness?

Chances are that in your organization fairness is seen as treating everyone the same. There’s some truth to that. You don’t want one group of people held to one standard and another group that has exceptions made for them all the time. It smacks of favouritism when that happens.

That’s not the end of the story, however. Everyone has different needs. That’s why some companies, for example, offer employees their choice from a number of benefits up to a certain value.

In such organizations, single mothers or fathers, or even working parents may decide to choose child care as a part of their package, whereas a childless 20-something might opt for a gym membership.

Would it be unfair to not insist that everyone had exactly the same benefits package, whether they were able to use what it contained or not? Hardly. What would be unfair is to be unable to use some of it because you didn’t have kids, or because you had a physical disability, or anyone of a number of other reasons.

Some companies refuse to let those who could work from home do so because there are others who would want to even though it would be impractical.

That’s the extreme of treating everyone the same.

Find out what people want

So, how do you find out what people want? You ask them.

There are a couple of challenges that come with this. One is that there are many people who won’t tell you what they want. It could be that they don’t know, or that they don’t know what’s on offer.

It could be that they’re afraid to ask, despite your reassurances that there won’t be any repercussions for doing so.

The British mindset may cause them to discount their preferences so as to not draw attention to themselves. This is to do with the degree of individualism that people feel. Group-based cultures consist of those who don’t want to stand out. Chances are that there are some in your organisation who are like that. It comes with being in a socialist country. The greater good, and all that.

In the US, people are far less inhibited in that respect. They want you to notice them, and if you ask them what they want, they’ll tell you. It may not be what you want to hear, but at least you’ll know.

You may find it to be of the most help to use some kind of questionnaire. The best ones have been developed by experts in psychometrics. There’s a lot of science and statistics that go into them to enable you to get the answers you are looking for. You shouldn’t underestimate what is required to create one. They aren’t drawn up on the back of a napkin at a cocktail party. They are tested and retested until the bugs are worked out.

Leadership

When you seek to discover how people want to be treated, you’re not doing it so you can win a pub quiz. You’re doing it because you hope that by listening to and acting upon the needs of others, they will follow you.

To look at this another way, you want to be able to influence people in a particular way and it’s your hope that you’ll be able to do this as a result of identifying what people would like, and then giving it to them.

You’re not manipulating them. You’re leading them.

The best leader-follower relationships are symbiotic. They are characterised by a willing, joint-effort. There is no coercion involved. Both parties are doing what they do because they want to.

That means that if you can identify what is important to people and give it to them, that your relationship will be closer, and the two of you will be more likely to work together to a common end.

A leadership style questionnaire could help you to do this. “Help” is the operative word. Questionnaires are tools. Nothing more. You should use them for guidance; not as the basis for making decisions.

It’s worth mentioning, too, that no one questionnaire will be able to test everything. So, you’ll need to think about what it is you want to find out. A Chartered Occupational Psychologist or competent management consultant with training and experience with such questionnaires will be able to advise you on which one to use.

The training that is required to interpret the scores may also mean that you need someone like that to administer it to your staff. There’s no need to feel embarrassed because you need to bring someone in. A two-day course, for example, isn’t enough to give you the level of competence that you need to do this yourself, regardless of the advertising.

What questionnaire(s) should you use?

That depends on what you want to find out.

If you want to discover how the way you think is the same or different to that of those you supervise, then you might want to consider Gregorc’s Style Delineator.

If you’re interested in finding out how your team will act and how each will contribute to the team, then the Occupational Personality Questionnaire might be appropriate.

If you want to quickly assess the strongest leadership styles in someone you’ve just met, without the complication of administering a test, then the Empathy Styles model might fit your needs.

It’s all down to what we call the domain – the range of behaviours that you want to identify; and that’s where a competent professional can advise you.

Make sure that you’re fully satisfied in every respect before you arrange for people to complete a questionnaire. This is essential for a number of reasons. One is that the more tests people take, the less objective they are in their answers. Another one is that time is valuable. You don’t want to waste it. A third reason is that you want to be sure that you’re getting answers to the right questions. You don’t want to get the results back only to realise that the test told you something other than what you wanted to know.

Take as much time as you need before making a decision about which one to use.

Remember that like all psychometric tests have their place.

Decide what you need to know, and then choose the best tool for the job. And always remember that the results you get will reveal just a tiny slice of what makes people who they are.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Drop your assumptions about what people want.

Instead, find out.

In the first instance, try asking them.

If that doesn’t work or the answers aren’t that straightforward, then consider using a bona fide questionnaire. If you do the latter, then make sure it’s fit for the purpose and that you use someone who is competent to not only administer it, but also to score and interpret it. Then you should be able to discover how others would like to be treated.

If you value an improvement in your ability to influence and motivate a wider spectrum of people email me here for an initial FREE chat